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Bestie

You said you loved me

You said I was the one

You never met another like me you said

True tho,

But you lied bitch

I was never the one

More like the available

It’s really funny how I thought I knew you.

Thoughts of love

Thoughts of care

Thoughts of sisterhood

Thoughts of forever after

Thoughts I never imagined I could think about another human

Bitch I did!

I wish I never smiled at you from the doorway

I wish I never invited you to come join me

I wish I was never nice

I wish…

I wish you where me for a day.

Xoxo sisnextdoor.

My first love letter

Love, an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person. Love is a really amazing feeling and more beautiful when your intense feelings of affection are reciprocated. And When the ain’t, your heart just goes fuck fuck fucked!.

I had a crush on this boy back in highschool, ohh he was a cutie, let’s call him euphoria cause that’s how he made me feel anytime I saw him, he didn’t even have to do anything to make my chest go ouu la la.

I had,had enough of this self torture I told myself one day, you’re an independent, strong, not really pretty (but that’s not the focus here huh) p.s this out of no where confidence was as a result of a movie I had just watched earlier that week. All this recipe points points to one dish… Total disaster!… But I was just 13 soooo what’s the worst that can happen right?

The night before I end this whole wrecking ball session (having this feelings bottled up was my wrecking ball session)had I known!. I wrote my heart, soul, and spirit on a plain piece of paper, to add the toppings to this cake, I had previously purchased a gift (hell yeah a gift) if I’m coming out I’m doing it with a bang… So I thought. So I got him this really cute masculine necklace, wasn’t expensive tho… Remember 13 and broke as hell.

Got to school quite early, I don’t think I even slept the day before. Damnn was my excitement gushing out of me, I didn’t even try to hide it.

He usually comes to school late, he had this whole bad boy persona going on for him (that’s what 13years old me was digging back then?) Still bubbling with my newly acquired confidence, I gave him the letter at lunch break.

2hours later, no reply no reaching out, nothing!… Maybe he needed more time I guessed… Boy was I wrong. Few minutes later after my Midway pycho break down, I saw it, I friggin saw my necklace on some random dudes neck!. I began to frantically search for euphoria at this point… There he was with half the boys in my class reading my friggin letter.

It took about a week or so before the fiasco died down. That right there was my 15 minutes of Fame I wish I could trade for a knife to gut myself with.

I have always been a total sucker for hand written love notes, you can call it old school or whatever but that’s me. It’s been 7years now and I haven’t written a love note!

Ever handwritten a love letter?

At what age did you?

Did it end well or in tears?

Xoxo sisnextdoor.

I am fine

Where does the sadness go

Why are you always sleeping

So young yet always tired

You know, hanging out with friends is fun

Why don’t you have friends

Isn’t it too hot for those big sleeved clothes

Why ain’t you hungry

Woah you’re sure eating alot lately huh

Those circle under your eyes are getting darker darling

How did you get that cut

Did you sleep last night?

Mom!!!

I am fine!

Xoxo Sisnextdoor.

Love me last

We met as friends

Talked as friends

Laughed as friends

You said you liked her

Then it hit me

I never liked to you as a friend.

Remember when you came over that night?

Remember, you where so down

You cried on my shoulders


How much you didn’t want to feel that way…

All I could focus on was how much I wanted to hug you more than a friend

Hold you down and show you how friends ain’t supposed to act

Show you how much she ain’t worth it.


Guess i chose my faith from the on set

Friends we where

Friends we will always be!

Ever fallen in love with a friend?

Xoxo Sisnextdoor.

Big Girl 2

Big girl in a small world

There goes the bell, officiating the end of my class test and the beginning of my dilemma…

We have 20 minutes to change into our sport wears and hit the field. Doesn’t sound bad huh? Well except you are totally conscious of your body and you have to strip in front of all this girls who you barley feel comfortable speaking to, atleast I got my friends there. I guess that’s my silver lining.

I really didn’t hate sport time no… Not until small b made it a point of duty to make fun of me every chance he gets. Being that he’s in the same sport house as me. Let’s paint a picture of one of our encounter here;

Small B: hey fat ass

Me: pretending I didn’t hear him, hoping and praying he’ll just work away

Small B: why’s your sport wear so big fatty (irritating laughter) don’t the have your size at the store? ( More irritating laugh)

Me: still acting dumb and silently praying the house masters get here anytime soon to separate the boys from the girls.

Small B: (hits me on the back roughly definitely not intending it to be a friendly Pat)

Me: weirdly shuttle into the crowd and act like that never happened. (P. S I was 12)

You see, I could have just gone over to a teacher and reported this but that would be pointless, they’ll just call him over, ask if my claims are true then he’ll act shocked and claim we where just playing … Oh wait this actually happened! I did report him but it was totally pointless and embarrassing.

My one and only coping mechanism was just to act undisturbed, act like the words he threw at me didn’t make me hate myself all over again, act like what he said never mattered because I love me and that’s all that matters, I just wished that I believed this back then, wish I saw myself the way my friends did I wish I loved me.

I forgive you small B, I really do… It took a while , it took me silent tears at 2am, it took me hating my own reflection for years to realize “I am the author of my life” I choose what I let in,I choose to be the bigger person small b, you’re forgiven.


Holding
unto the pain and abuse hurts only you, Be the bigger person!

Where you able to confront your bully?

What did you do?

Can you forgive your bully?

Xoxo Sisnextdoor.

Big Girl 1

Standing here in front of the one piece of furniture that totally terrifies me “The mirror“. It’s just a piece of glass that shows your reflection, what could be terrifying about that? You’ll say.

Growing up, let’s say I wasn’t the cute, slim, confident, nice teeth, out going child (now 19, sadly I don’t feel the above statement has changed that much). To top that I am an introvert.

Woah woah chill, I am not saying being an introvert is a cause or some disease hell no! On the contrary I love being one, you know… less friends, less crowd, your mom things you’re weird, less irrelevant mingling, more bullying cause you’re too quiet for their liking. Okay I might have gone a bit too far, this is me trying to paint a picture and scream it to any one who cares to listen, Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing (story for another day tho). Pheeew got that out, so where was I.. oh yeah The quiet fat kid.

If I recall vividly, I was in jss3, roughly about 12years old. It was a school day, more accurately sport day!. So back then in school we had a week called the CAT week;

C- continuous

A- assessment

T- test

What happens basically is we write test on different subjects during the week then on Friday’s we get to do PE, aka sport time. Now imagine this… You only have 2 friends like 2 friggin friends in the whole school.

Plot twist alert!!!

For PE everyone is divided in two groups based on colors you were randomly given. As faith will have it I was in yellow house (yeah the were called houses). To worsen my dilemma my two friends where in two different houses respectively… Atleast we were going through something together. Gotten my plot twist out of the way.. Back to my story.

In every bully story there’s always a bully, meet big B (name withheld for reasons I don’t even know). Now imagine your worst day of the week as a person, that’s big B.

I feel like calling him big b belittles me so, from this point on big b will be known as small b!
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The Monster online

The Monster online

In highschool there was this really popular app called 2go… Damn! It was the buzz back then. I got my first phone I was about 12, couldn’t be happier. So I joined my first social media platform.

Cyber bullying

These may also be known as online bullying, This is a form of bullying that takes place via internet connected devices like tablets, smartphones. Online bullying also takes shape via social media, messaging apps, online games, etc.

Types of bullying/online monsters

  • Doxing: I have been a victim to this category sadly. This is when a personal information about you is released online for the sole purpose of humiliating you.
  • Harrasment: so this happened about two weeks ago, an unknown number messaged me a dick photo on WhatsApp (this is a social media app where you connect with people whom you sure you phone contact with, really amazing for this who like privacy).How he got my number is still unknown tho. The tournament didn’t end there, he went further to calling me names like slut,ugly bitch, fat hippo etc, for not acknowledging his “bigger than life” dick pic. Story short I blocked him and put a warning out to my sister’s out there to avoid future occurance.
  • impersonation: This is very common in today’s social media world. Once a friend’s Facebook was hacked by an unknown person (my guts kind of knew whom..) so this person went on to post false news and hate messages about me even going further to tag me. This is the creating of a fake account to post things that’ll damage the victims reputation.

“Unless and until our society recognizes cyber bullying for what it is, the suffering of thousands of silent victims will continue”. – Anna Maria Chavez

How To Slay This Monster

  1. Block the bully!:This has always been my first line of action.
  2. Limit social media time: This may seem harder at first but trust me there’s a whole lot of fun things to do offline, especially in this lockdown due to covid-19. My top 3 go to boredom killers are; Reading a book, Baking, writing.
  3. Privacy is key: This can never be over emphasised!

We can’t fight this monster if we don’t come together!

Ever encountered an online bully?

How did you over come it?

Xoxo Sisnextdoor.

2:45am

Cold Sunday night , just laying here on my bed staring at the ceiling……

It’s a new month, time for a do over, fresh start, rebuilding, new you, or whatever it means to you…….. Here goes another chance for me to do things differently, live, love, be, act differently, chase new opportunities…

Here I am indifferent, still unchanged, still aching with this glass of a heart.

If only, I tell myself every night after going through the same circle, deep down I know if only where to be I’ll still come up with trash for an escuse.

To cut this sad story short, I desire a wild change, I want to experience it all, the good, the crazy, the exciting, I want to feel pain and act on it… I want to stop being a numb passer by.

An endless wish of a sad soul!

What thoughts do you have at 2am??

Xoxo sisnextdoor.